Dark Times

29th of May, 2008.
This date would be forever etched in my memory. It was the day, the one person, who meant a lot to me, left this world. It was the dark day, I lost my dad. This post would be a bag of mixed emotions, so please do put up with any mistakes that do crop up.
Now, its been almost a year, but yet I find it hard to come to terms with the fact, that my dad's no more. 12 years of my life, we were seperated, cause of various family reasons. I used to meet him very rarely, those 12 years. But never felt the pain of seperation. I guess, its cause I knew he was there. After 12 years of seperation, we were united under one roof, as a family. The joy was only short lived. 3 months hence, I lost him again, but this time, it was forever.

My dad had taught me many things in life, but most importantly, he taught me how to be selfless. How to help others. How to be generous. He was a man with a big heart. Ironical that he had to succumb to a cardiac arrest. Ever smiling, he always had a kind word for me, no matter what the situation was. There have been only two ocassions in my life, when he had scolded me. People may think he has spoilt me, but hell no. He knew where to draw the line and he did it subtly. With mom, I have always thrown tantrums, played the fool, but with dad its always been implicit obedience.
With dad, another thing was, all I need to do is mention that I need/want something. I would always get the best of that. I remember that day, when I broke my tennis racquet while playing (actually, only the guts were broken and had to replaced), he called his friend in the US and had a Wilson Hammer systems raquet (actually two) shipped across. Along with that, he also got two Wilson Hammer Systems Badminton racquets, two cartons of Wilson tennis balls, one huge jar of shuttles and a beautiful carry bag to accomodate all these. Like my mom used to say, "Unga appa ku agzhanda kaal thaan ellathume." (meaning he is always extravagant in everything).

Ever protective of mom and I, he always wanted the best for us and never wanted us to face any troubles in life. He has showered us with so much of love and affection and protected us so much that we had no clue how mean the world around us could get. It was only when the first blow to his health was struck, did we realize that we had been in a dream world. That even such things can come to an end. That without his protection, we were like a turtle out of its shell. Even though, he was almost a goner, he was unhappy that he had put both mom and I through crap, cause of his health. Even on the night, before his death he was feeling bad that he was calling us time and again, to help him around. He almost cried in front of us, that he is putting us through the so called trouble. I had to silence him and tell him that it was our duty to do that. Both mom and I were deeply touched, later, when we thought about it cause even on his death bed, all he could think of was us being troubled. Hard to meet selfless people like this.

I had a dream a night ago, about my dad, that he was with me and we were together as one happy family. I woke up to the harsh reality that he is no more. Did shed tears, sitting alone in my room, darkness all around though the lights outside managed to find a way into the room between the curtains. The vivid images of him lying on that hospital bed, lifeless, the heart monitor flatlined, his chest still heaving cause of the ventilator that he was put on, was alive in front of my eyes. I have never felt so helpless in my life, as I did that morning. An unknown force had pulled me to Kapaleeshwar temple, which is near the hospital where he was admitted (BSS). I had prayed to god, to do the right thing, but whatever is done, he shouldn't suffer any pain. When I was stepping out of the temple, my mom called. I knew he had left this world. God had answered my prayers. Though I was torn, there was a part of my heart which was calm and happy that he had a painless and peaceful death. When the body was brought home, I was in the ambulance next to him. I couldn't help but notice that he had a smile on his face. At first, I thought I was imagining things. But it was something that everyone noticed, later that day, when they had come home.

During the 13 days of mourning, mom, aunt and I were discussing his life. I used to feel miserable then, cause never once have I told him that I love him. I did wish I could turn back time, and hug him just one, and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I still do wish sometimes, that I can do that. All I can do now is pray to god, to let my voice be heard and that he knows how I feel about him. Coming to terms with reality is proving to be a daunting task. I do hope that god can give me enough strength to come to terms with this bitter truth.

Below are two poems, which I found, which completely show how I feel.

I Wish I Could See You One More Time
Come Walking Through My Door
But, I Know That Is Impossible
I Will Hear Your Voice No More
I Know You Can Feel My Tears
And You Don’t Want Me To Cry
Yet, My Heart Is Broken
Because I Can’t Understand Why
Someone So Precious Had To Die
I Pray That God Will Give Me Strength
And Somehow Get Me Through
As I Struggle With This Heartache
That Was Caused By Losing You.

Those Shadows They Fall
My Heart It Bleeds
I Still Can't Believe
You Were Taken From Me
I Wake Up And Wonder
Why You Are Gone
I Feel So Empty And All Alone
Sometimes I Feel You Near
Your Touch Wipes Away
My Bitter Tears
I Try Not To Question
What God Has Done
I Picture You Sitting
In Heaven Up Above
Everyday I Say A Prayer
God Bless And Keep Me
Until I Join You There.