Dreams and Questions

DREAMS:

Am I lost?

Is this world real?

If I close my eyes, I see a different world. But when I open it, do I see the same world I saw before? A dream can be so realistic, that we "wake-up" shocked beyond belief. Could this life be a dream, from which we are unable to wake up?

What would we see, when we wake up?

Would we see it, or feel it?

What is the difference then, between being awake and asleep?

I've had this recurring nightmare that I am falling into a bottomless pit. I wake up sweaty, heart pounding like crazy, and it takes time for me to realize I am in my room.

I sometime hear voices in my sleep. Loud and clear, laughing, calling my name. They are not known voices. But they grow in volume till it’s like they are literally laughing in my ear and I wake up.

What does it mean?

Is there a parallel existence?

Do we all lead dual/multiple lives without our knowledge?

How do we know, our eyes are not closed now, when we can see things clearly, like day, in our dreams?

How do we know, a dream is not a reality and a reality is not a dream?

What is a dream?

How can we define a dream?

Why are their pleasant ones and horrid ones?

Why do we say that we are disturbed and hence we have nightmares?

I have been calm and composed and yet I have that horrible dream. I didn't know of worries at all, when I had it first. I had it, when I was a kid. A lil kid...

If the brain is a memory for this life, can it be that the mind is a memory for all life?

QUESTIONS:

If there was no name, how would one identify one’s own self?

Colors.

Take a white sheet of paper, and point red light, the paper looks red. Point green, it looks green mix and match colors, the paper takes that color.

What is color?

Why is a simple colorless light, made up of a spectrum of colors?

We can't even see light.

We see, because of light.

So, then, what is light?

Is light real?

Cause if real is something we can see and feel, light is not real

We can't see light.

We can't feel it nor can we hear it.

Wonder of creation... a tiny thing, called an atom, has so much of energy in it.

How is it possible?

Can it be replicated?

Earth rotates, and we don't feel it. Why? Cause the earth's diameter is so huge.

But then, when we go closer to the center of the Earth, would we feel the Earth spin?

What is gravity?

An unseen force that holds us firmly on the Earth.

What is that 'Force'?

The Human Torch

Today, was a very eventful day at Chengalpattu. One of my office friends, Krishnamoorthy (aka Kicha) was getting married. We had to be there, at the mandap by 6:00am as the muhurtam was from 6:00am to 7:30am. Since we had to leave from Nungambakkam, we caught the first train of the day, at 4:10am, and reached Chengalpattu at 5:35am. Once there, we all waited for the proceeds to get over and finally had to chance to greet the couple, hand over the gift and bouquet and pose for photographs.
The camera man, was not happy with the angle so had us all moving about here and there, till he got a satisfactory angle. Little did any of us realize, that there was a Kutthu Valaku behind us. I was sporting a Kurta set and was adjusting my stole. Apparently, the stole landed on the Kutthu Valaku and absorbed oil and caught fire. None of us noticed it.
Suddenly, I felt my hand burning and my neck getting hot. It was then, that we realized, I was on FIRE. LOL!!! My friend Hari, pulled off the stole from around my neck, and threw it to the ground. Someone else, from behind, started slapping my back, in a attempt to douse the flames on my back. Damn, it was one helluva tense moment. Very intense. But the sad part is, none of the useless camera men, caught the exciting moment, when I turned into the human torch, on camera or on video. DAMN!!!
It was a narrow escape for sure. But then, it was exciting. LOL!!!
The flames of hell for the Devilz Own!!! Friday the 13th!!!

Dark Times

29th of May, 2008.
This date would be forever etched in my memory. It was the day, the one person, who meant a lot to me, left this world. It was the dark day, I lost my dad. This post would be a bag of mixed emotions, so please do put up with any mistakes that do crop up.
Now, its been almost a year, but yet I find it hard to come to terms with the fact, that my dad's no more. 12 years of my life, we were seperated, cause of various family reasons. I used to meet him very rarely, those 12 years. But never felt the pain of seperation. I guess, its cause I knew he was there. After 12 years of seperation, we were united under one roof, as a family. The joy was only short lived. 3 months hence, I lost him again, but this time, it was forever.

My dad had taught me many things in life, but most importantly, he taught me how to be selfless. How to help others. How to be generous. He was a man with a big heart. Ironical that he had to succumb to a cardiac arrest. Ever smiling, he always had a kind word for me, no matter what the situation was. There have been only two ocassions in my life, when he had scolded me. People may think he has spoilt me, but hell no. He knew where to draw the line and he did it subtly. With mom, I have always thrown tantrums, played the fool, but with dad its always been implicit obedience.
With dad, another thing was, all I need to do is mention that I need/want something. I would always get the best of that. I remember that day, when I broke my tennis racquet while playing (actually, only the guts were broken and had to replaced), he called his friend in the US and had a Wilson Hammer systems raquet (actually two) shipped across. Along with that, he also got two Wilson Hammer Systems Badminton racquets, two cartons of Wilson tennis balls, one huge jar of shuttles and a beautiful carry bag to accomodate all these. Like my mom used to say, "Unga appa ku agzhanda kaal thaan ellathume." (meaning he is always extravagant in everything).

Ever protective of mom and I, he always wanted the best for us and never wanted us to face any troubles in life. He has showered us with so much of love and affection and protected us so much that we had no clue how mean the world around us could get. It was only when the first blow to his health was struck, did we realize that we had been in a dream world. That even such things can come to an end. That without his protection, we were like a turtle out of its shell. Even though, he was almost a goner, he was unhappy that he had put both mom and I through crap, cause of his health. Even on the night, before his death he was feeling bad that he was calling us time and again, to help him around. He almost cried in front of us, that he is putting us through the so called trouble. I had to silence him and tell him that it was our duty to do that. Both mom and I were deeply touched, later, when we thought about it cause even on his death bed, all he could think of was us being troubled. Hard to meet selfless people like this.

I had a dream a night ago, about my dad, that he was with me and we were together as one happy family. I woke up to the harsh reality that he is no more. Did shed tears, sitting alone in my room, darkness all around though the lights outside managed to find a way into the room between the curtains. The vivid images of him lying on that hospital bed, lifeless, the heart monitor flatlined, his chest still heaving cause of the ventilator that he was put on, was alive in front of my eyes. I have never felt so helpless in my life, as I did that morning. An unknown force had pulled me to Kapaleeshwar temple, which is near the hospital where he was admitted (BSS). I had prayed to god, to do the right thing, but whatever is done, he shouldn't suffer any pain. When I was stepping out of the temple, my mom called. I knew he had left this world. God had answered my prayers. Though I was torn, there was a part of my heart which was calm and happy that he had a painless and peaceful death. When the body was brought home, I was in the ambulance next to him. I couldn't help but notice that he had a smile on his face. At first, I thought I was imagining things. But it was something that everyone noticed, later that day, when they had come home.

During the 13 days of mourning, mom, aunt and I were discussing his life. I used to feel miserable then, cause never once have I told him that I love him. I did wish I could turn back time, and hug him just one, and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I still do wish sometimes, that I can do that. All I can do now is pray to god, to let my voice be heard and that he knows how I feel about him. Coming to terms with reality is proving to be a daunting task. I do hope that god can give me enough strength to come to terms with this bitter truth.

Below are two poems, which I found, which completely show how I feel.

I Wish I Could See You One More Time
Come Walking Through My Door
But, I Know That Is Impossible
I Will Hear Your Voice No More
I Know You Can Feel My Tears
And You Don’t Want Me To Cry
Yet, My Heart Is Broken
Because I Can’t Understand Why
Someone So Precious Had To Die
I Pray That God Will Give Me Strength
And Somehow Get Me Through
As I Struggle With This Heartache
That Was Caused By Losing You.

Those Shadows They Fall
My Heart It Bleeds
I Still Can't Believe
You Were Taken From Me
I Wake Up And Wonder
Why You Are Gone
I Feel So Empty And All Alone
Sometimes I Feel You Near
Your Touch Wipes Away
My Bitter Tears
I Try Not To Question
What God Has Done
I Picture You Sitting
In Heaven Up Above
Everyday I Say A Prayer
God Bless And Keep Me
Until I Join You There.

Daddy Dearest

Thank You For The Angel
You Lent Me For Awhile
He Brought Me Laughter
And An Everlasting Smile
He Loved Me, Inspired Me
My Own Guiding Light
Now He Shines In Heaven
With Wings Of Pure White
He Will Forever Walk Softly
In My Heart And In My Dreams
When My Feelings Run Rampant
And My Tears Begin To Fall
His Spirit Will Surround Me
Lending Comfort To One And All
I Will Always Miss Him
Time Can Not Erase The Pain
Yet, I Will Always Be Grateful
That Into My Life....
.... My "Precious Daddy" Came